His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
