Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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