yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
