my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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