i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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