I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
