Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize