Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
