thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize