i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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