and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
