six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
