he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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