i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Don't make out with my wife yet
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
