3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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