The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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