I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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