It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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