he thought i was a dude.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
