my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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