I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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