I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
