I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Randomize
