Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
