Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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