i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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