Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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