I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize