I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize