did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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