My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
