I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
