This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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