you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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