he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
