YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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