god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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