He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
well most of my day revolves around power hour
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
