Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
