we have pet lesbian snakes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
