even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize