I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
