I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
