I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Just pee around me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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