I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
