i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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