I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
