paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
