whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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