she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
