She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
