Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
