Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I enjoy the company of your penis
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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